Mad

I am feeling mad at all the things Michaela won’t get to do. I won’t get to do with her.

My list today…

Games - all the unplayed ones on our shelves. All our favorites to play again and again. All the laughs and memories we would have created with just us and with friends.

Earrings - She pierced your ears during PRIDE week in 2019, but she was just starting to play and have fun with all the cute earrings. I wish I could have seen her in each and every pair

Tattoo - We always wanted matching tattoo. We meant to get it and then she got sick the first time with kidney cancer and it just got postponed. We talked about it for her 50th or anniversary and well then we know what happened…I am mad we will never had them done. I would have liked that visible reminder of us.

Sense 8 Finale - We had put off watching the finale. We wanted to watch the whole series again. I will have to watch it without her now and I know I will cry big messy tears. She and I just gravitated towards that show and the characters. We want to see what happens with them all.

Kittens - Chessie isn’t here for much longer. We know how ill she is and we talked about getting 2 kittens after. I won’t get a chance to brainstorm names for new kittens. We won’t get to pick up furry fluff ball babies together.

Hormones - My love didn’t get to fully transition. I am so fucking mad she doesn’t get to as I know it would have been a glorious transformation. She would have felt like her true authentic self and glowed. Just glowed because I know she would have felt completely like herself.

Whale watching - We were planning a trip to California to go whale watching.

Taos - We planned to get married in Taos. Just getting married was a whole thing for someday.

I am mad at us for putting off all these things and so many more. Mostly though I am just mad she doesn’t get to live. Just LIVE. LIVE.