Warning this is a hard post that I feel needs trigger warning, but I am not sure which ones. Talking about end of life. Four years ago yesterday, Michaela and I sat in her oncologists office and were told that the main spot of cancer was shrinking.

My first Valentine’s with M, we were both sick with colds. Soup and grilled cheese was our special Valentine’s dinner. Although it might have been that grilled cheese that made her fall more in love with me

I think the DMV gets a bad wrap. Just like attorneys often get a bad wrap. Not every DMV employee is horrible. Not every attorney is a horrible person.

This past week Michaela and I would have been celebrating 21 years together. In therapy, I was reading all Michaela’s messages from Facebook and some she penned to me privately. 

21 years ago today Michaela picked me up at the airport in Denver. At the time, I am not sure I understood the impact of that moment.

I made a trip to the ER recently. I am fine. I strained the Achilles tendon falling down my front porch stairs. I am feeling fine now. The trip to the ER though was waves of grief hitting.

Holidays can be hard in general for most people. Holidays for those grieving adds just additional layers to make things difficult. The first Christmas after Michaela died, I did a big tree to honor her. It had all sorts of butterflies

Last night I was asked why I liked Star Wars. I didn’t have a well thought out answer, but my main reason was because the person I shared Star Wars with and that was Michaela.

I think of her almost every moment of the day as there is always this piece that feels like I am missing. Like she should be here in that moment experiencing what I am

I want to put all our memories on repeat and I don’t want to forget them either so I feel like doing these things again even without her here, helps me keep them close. With grief there is so much fog.

In June, I switched to the last purse Michaela used. Her wallet was out because at the end that stayed in my purse for all our doctor appointments. However, there were still things in her bag

In 2019, Pride was AMAZING for my love and I standing next to her as it was the first time she was fully out as herself authentically. That was the last time we went to Pride.

I love Facebook memories and at the same time they hold so many tears almost always good, but still difficult at times. September 8 always brings up multiple memories.

I would have been married for 3 years today. The reason this date is so important to me is I got to make M’s name my name. Having her name now that she is not here is deeply significant to me as I live here without her.

There was one of those things on Facebook about who would you go on vacation with and it tags all the people that pop up first when you do the @. This is the silly little thing that was floating around.

A month of dates. 

Don’t worry about the dishes if they ask to go take a drive, don’t skip all the little every day things - spend time together and make memories. Yes, we need to do dishes eventually, but make the most of life in the moment

Yesterday was the first of the month. I was up as it hit midnight and turned to the first of May. I whispered, “Happy Anniversary, baby.” See the first of EVERY month has meaning to me.

I was standing up about to walk to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, but as soon as the commercial started, I turned and yelled “Fuck you” at the TV. The commercial that started playing was for DaVinci medical robots.

Every little thing reminds me of her this morning. Honestly every day is like this, but going to use this morning to explain it. Sunday mornings were usually chill days with M.