In Between

I always feel like I am straddling both sides.

I feel good when thinking of a bigger art room when things get moved around. I also sit at my art journal think why bother, this hurts too much to ever feel whole again.

I do a daily chore today like everyone else and think I maybe can do normal. Yesterday though the counters were covered with dirty dishes and the floor were sticky from when I spilled something 2 weeks ago. I think about how it will be clean and organized, it will feel light and hopeful. I look around at what is in front of me at this moment and feel overwhelmed by it all. I say fuck it and feel this is life right now cluttered and chaotic. Moments later I think I don’t want to have this mess left for my loved ones when I die of a broken heart.

I think about how much better I felt at a lower weight, my breathing, my aches, my flexibility all were better so vow to get back on track. Even think how Michaela would want that for me. A few hours later, I feel all the sadness and deeply cutting loss and stuff another cookie in my mouth or eat a burger in 2 bites. Using eating as a coping mechanism.

Everything has 2 sides the side that thinks one day I will have a life that feels more normal and the other side that doesn’t know if I can live being this heartbroken. Maybe my life will always be in an in-between phase.