Hard Week

I am amazed by those that lose a loved one and only get 3 days bereavement time off. I don’t know how they do it. There is no way my emotions will be steady for a long time. 

Last week was paperwork upon paperwork. I was cussing and feeling anger at myself and Michaela for not knowing enough about the actual paperwork end of her business. I am thankful I have amazing people who have stepped up over and over again to help me through this. 

I was looking for a specific file on Saturday and standing in the middle of her office cussing. I said, “help me find it please.” I kept turning and saw her camera bag on top of a file box. I picked up the camera bag and the file was on top of the box. I looked upward and said, “thank you.” 

This week I started going through her office. I have found cards she intended to give me, but never did. I found a plastic shoe box full of cards I gave her over the last 17 years.  Little things on the desk and shelves that had meaning. A little pottery bowl we bought from a student artist sale, Marvin the Martian, a stuffed bear in a leather jacket with M&M’s patch on it, a cute little box full of thumb drives, handmade book I made with quotes and lyrics that reminded me of us, her first hearing aid which I still remember so clearly of her stepping outside and hearing leaves on the tree rustling with the wind, sticky notes with random numbers and letters and doodles on them and countless other things. Each making me miss her.