Brakes

I have noticed a pattern in my life. When my Uncle died years ago, I journaled quite often right after, and then it just stopped for a long long time. When I grieved a loss of a friend, I was art journaling daily. I filled a blank journal. Then it stopped. It was I think the first month or two after that I was really poured my feelings into the pages, but then it abruptly stopped.

I have a similar thing happening at the moment. Right after Michaela’s death, I art journaled and used a writing journal on my phone daily, more than once a day often. Now it is hard. I haven’t done art journaling for almost over a month. I started some pages, but nothing becomes of them, but a background. Writing thoughts out have become a line or two, but nothing that I am pouring on to the page like I did before.

It makes me wonder what stage in grief that causes that full speed ahead of emotions to just slam on the brakes? I am feeling, but at the same time there is an emptiness? A lack of feelings? I don’t know what to call what I am feeling.

It just feels like I put brakes on my emotions and now I am parked. I don’t know if they are building up and one day they will come racing out. Or if I am just parked right now to grieve and eventually I will pull back into traffic.

I remember it taking what seemed like forever to start back using journaling/art journaling to process emotions again in those past situations, and express myself. Was that just part of grieving? The emotions become so much that they are processed in the background instead of out and upfront in awareness?

Is this just a stage of grief right now or have I halted and at a standstill in my grief? Should I try to compel the feelings forward on to the blank pages?

I know that I miss art, but that when I sit down in front of it, it like I have the brakes on and can’t put it in gear to move. Another reason I have this blog so that I hope it helps me to process this rollercoaster of grief.

I am fine. Everything is fine by Darby Casey