Red Table Talk

I had watched only a few Red Table Talk episodes on Facebook over the years. Today I decided to throw myself into them. This happens with my grief. I go through mini obsessions about stuff. I research the heck how to do a home project, or a social justice issue, a type of diet, or whatever topic/theme. Today my obsession is Red Table Talk. They had Brene Brown on for the start of their new season. I am huge fan of Brene Brown.

The conversation had at the table though made me want to hear more from Jada Pinkert and her daughter and mom. I scrolled back to the first season. An early episode was about Surviving Loss.

Jada talks about her relationship with Tu’pac. Her Mom mentions that he was changing and having some big changes. It instantly made think of my love. She was having so many big changes and never got to live them fully. Jada said she was mad at Tu’pac, herself, and the world. I am the same. I get mad at Michaela, myself, and the whole world. It is a deeply twisting pain that cycles over and over.

Grief definitely cycles. It has brought so many emotions, so many memories, so many realizations, so many losses beyond the loss of my spouse. Everyday I am dealing with those losses. Some days I don’t know if I can do it.

I do know I am not alone. I do know some days might be staying in bed and crying all day, some days it might enjoying a cup of coffee or glass or wine with a friend laughing, some days might just be going through the motions and other days it might be making plans for what the future might look like and all of this is part of grief and all of it is still honoring Michaela and our love.

https://www.facebook.com/redtabletalk/videos/564337010632445/?vh=e&extid=0