F*ck Cancer

I am pissed tonight. Just filled with anger. Such deep anger. Anger that my love is gone. Anger that we won’t get to share all the moments of life has to offer. Anger that I have to do all grief and difficult things that come with it alone. I have to go through all her things to decide if it means something to me and what to do with it all.

I have a deep connection to memories with clothing. With Michaela going through her transition, so many pieces of clothing hold memories for me. A coral and white striped colored tank top with a coral colored cardigan. Coral was her color. She looked so pretty in it. She felt good in that color so picking that up and having to decide if I will keep it or donate it pisses me off. I want to see her in it again. I want to see that smile when I tell her how pretty she looks.

She pierced her earrings during PRIDE 2019 and she has all these earrings that she won’t ever wear. New ones, old favorites, ones I got her for Christmas that she will never wear. Never. Now that will be known as her last Christmas. Our last Christmas together.

I cry from all this and I think how can I keep crying. Is there that many tears?

Why did she get cancer? Why did she have to die? Why don’t I get to see that smile again? Why why why! Fuck cancer!