Last Day Clothes
Something that should have happened in the first 6 months after Michaela died was Wendy moving into our house. Grief had other plans for me so it just happened recently, but we are still in the process of moving things around. Our house looks like a storage unit with boxes and bins stacked from floor to ceiling all over. Kitchen and bathrooms included.
Today one of the tasks I assigned myself was moving a little shelving unit from one bathroom into the other bathroom as we will be doing major changes that might block access to one bathroom. One of the things I needed to address that I have put off since Michaela died was a clothes hamper that sits in front of that shelving unit.
I had some extra pillows in it that I always think I can do at some point, but they aren’t q priority as I knew I wasn’t going to be having overnight guests during the pandemic. Well what I forgot about is that I had put the last actual outfit Michaela wore her last full day at home at the bottom of that hamper.
I pulled the pillows out and saw them and instantly knew what it was which caused tears. All the lasts and all the firsts without her bring difficult emotions. Even a year and a month from when she died. I didn’t realize that the black shorts, t-shirt, and fluffy kitty cat socks would be her last outfit.
Her siblings came to visit. We told them she was transgender. I know she was so glad she was able to share that with them before she died, but I also know how hard it was for them to find that out just days before she died. They didn’t get to have all the conversations I had with her.
The images in my head of that last day at home. Her sitting in the bed trying to smile and act like it was all going to be okay. She was frail, thin, body weak, couldn’t communicate clearly, and hearing aids weren’t helping her. All those things going on and I can see still see her trying to smile at her brother and sister as she hugged them. Letting them know she loved them.
Yes, another hard day. A day of tears. Yes, this is grief where a pile that I hid those clothes for over a year and now it is coming up to deal. This is grief.
