M did a q&a 16 years ago on Facebook.

One year while she was on the roof and needing a tool, she said “Mermaid! Mermaid, I need…” whatever the part she needed. I giggled as the nickname came through the walkie talkie.

I met someone new to me this past week. My dear friend introduces us and as she is headed out of the room the new person asks, “are you a hugger?” I automatically said, “yes” and as we are hugging, my dear friend turns around and says, “no, you aren’t.”

I made this t-shirt for myself as I feel feral.

I was going through some old photos of Michaela and I. I was remembering memories associated to the photos, but it spun off into more and more memories. Miss her so fucking much - miss us holding hands and snuggling on the couch as we watched Star Wars or Lord of the Rings.

On Saturday night, I went with friends to a drag show. It was at a place I had never been before. I knew the two people I was going with, in a place I have never been, and a type of event I haven’t ever been to before so as I was getting ready my anxiety started ramping up.

A month before Michaela died, we shaved our heads as Michaela was losing so much hair. It was a big thing for Michaela on her journey as a transgender woman. It was a hard decision, but when clumps were just falling out randomly on her as she went about her day it became too hard for her.

Every

Single

Day

Warning this is a hard post that I feel needs trigger warning, but I am not sure which ones. Talking about end of life. Four years ago yesterday, Michaela and I sat in her oncologists office and were told that the main spot of cancer was shrinking.

My first Valentine’s with M, we were both sick with colds. Soup and grilled cheese was our special Valentine’s dinner. Although it might have been that grilled cheese that made her fall more in love with me

I think the DMV gets a bad wrap. Just like attorneys often get a bad wrap. Not every DMV employee is horrible. Not every attorney is a horrible person.

This past week Michaela and I would have been celebrating 21 years together. In therapy, I was reading all Michaela’s messages from Facebook and some she penned to me privately. 

21 years ago today Michaela picked me up at the airport in Denver. At the time, I am not sure I understood the impact of that moment.

I made a trip to the ER recently. I am fine. I strained the Achilles tendon falling down my front porch stairs. I am feeling fine now. The trip to the ER though was waves of grief hitting.

Holidays can be hard in general for most people. Holidays for those grieving adds just additional layers to make things difficult. The first Christmas after Michaela died, I did a big tree to honor her. It had all sorts of butterflies

Last night I was asked why I liked Star Wars. I didn’t have a well thought out answer, but my main reason was because the person I shared Star Wars with and that was Michaela.