My Champion
My love was my champion. She cheered me on to explore and expand my life in all the ways l desired and needed. She was my protector even though she didn’t think I needed a protector, it is just part of her nature to want to protect those she loves. She believed me quite capable of fighting my own battles (some days I wonder though especially in grief and missing her.) She supported me through everything. Good, bad, and ugly.
Right after Michaela died, an artist I like posted the image in this photo. I ended up having a little meltdown seeing it reminded me of Michaela and myself. At one point, early on in our relationship, we gave each other nicknames. I was her mermaid and she was my polar bear (later she was my butterfly.)
With Michaela gone, this image made me think about that here in my grief that I am fighting the battle of living without her everyday. There are days when I feel such anger over her death. I feel mad at the world for taking her away. She was much too young and had so much more to do. I get mad as I always thought we would continue living life. I mean really living. Enjoying our life of traveling for work and relaxation. Enjoying our moments on the deck having a glass of wine as the sun set. Enjoying the laughter and love that we shared for the rest of our days. Now I am here alone without my love. I know I need to keep living life, but I miss my champion to help me keep living life.
I have suffered from chronic depression all my life. I remember depressive episodes as young as 4 years old. Michaela accepted that part of me, but also helped me fight my daily battle of depression. She made sure that I lived life even when it was hard. She knew when I needed to hide from the world and she also knew when it was time to compel me to join her in the light.
My therapist and my closest friends have been keeping an eye on me and my depression. Logically I know this is true, what they say to me, but some days it is hard to see, that I really am doing well considering everything. My rock, my Champion, my Love is gone and I might hide in the dark, but I am still venturing into the light. The light doesn’t seem as shiny as it did with her here, but I am moving through the world quietly and slowly.
My best friend gave me this print for Christmas. I hope to see it hanging in my bedroom and remember that my champion helped me grow in ways that help me fight the daily battle of life without her.
edit: this is on the artists website about this piece of art…
"The initial inspiration and idea for 'The Courage' came from my desire to support a friend suffering the loss of someone very close and precious to them, their 'mamma bear' and them trying to find the light in that darkness. I developed the concept, thinking of spirit animals, and how people that give us strength and inspiration are always with us even when they are gone. As a final piece, the message is simple: you are stronger than you think." - Lora Zombie
Artist: Lora Zombie
