Would Have Been

Tomorrow would have been our 19th anniversary. It seems unreal that we will forever be stuck at 17 years together. How did that happen? We were suppose to grow old together and celebrate our 20th and 25th and 50th - together. Together.

Now what do I do with these anniversaries? Is it the 19th? Or is it just always the would have been? “It would have been…” her 52 birthday…our 19th anniversary and so on with each birthday and anniversaries. I will now have a “would have been” life.

Now what do I do with these “would have been” days? I want to honor my love on these dates, but that is also difficult because it really does accentuate that she won’t ever be here again. It is a mix of emotions. I don’t want to be bogged down in the sadness, but sometimes that is what I need to do to get through the day - just feel the emotions and let it drag me down and try again tomorrow. Other times I laugh and see memories or play a conversation or day over in my head and feel all the joy that comes with those moments. Grief shows up in no consistent way so today I might feel joyous over a memory and tomorrow I might be sobbing with a pile of snotty tissue next to me in bed.

All I know in this moment is that I wish we were going to be planning what to do tomorrow for our 19th anniversary together. I know we would have been reminiscing about that day we met 19 years ago in Denver. I know I will be reading all the Facebook memory posts we did to mark our anniversary. My love had a way with words that captured the day and our love perfectly. I also know the sadness is here and so I might be in bed. I am going to be okay with that. I know some might say this isn’t honoring her or our love, but it is taking care of me to get through this the best way I am capable of right now. Maybe next year on our would have been 20 years - I can do something to honor our anniversary. Or maybe I will stay in bed and wrap myself in our memories.

Michaela on our last anniversary together. She was sick so we stayed in pjs to watch movies and play games.