21 years ago today Michaela picked me up at the airport in Denver. At the time, I am not sure I understood the impact of that moment.

Holidays can be hard in general for most people. Holidays for those grieving adds just additional layers to make things difficult. The first Christmas after Michaela died, I did a big tree to honor her. It had all sorts of butterflies

I want to put all our memories on repeat and I don’t want to forget them either so I feel like doing these things again even without her here, helps me keep them close. With grief there is so much fog.

In 2019, Pride was AMAZING for my love and I standing next to her as it was the first time she was fully out as herself authentically. That was the last time we went to Pride.

I love Facebook memories and at the same time they hold so many tears almost always good, but still difficult at times. September 8 always brings up multiple memories.

I would have been married for 3 years today. The reason this date is so important to me is I got to make M’s name my name. Having her name now that she is not here is deeply significant to me as I live here without her.

Yesterday was the first of the month. I was up as it hit midnight and turned to the first of May. I whispered, “Happy Anniversary, baby.” See the first of EVERY month has meaning to me.

Today would have been my love’s 53 birthday. I have a candle burning for her. I didn’t know what I would do to celebrate her and the 50 years she lived here

Michaela liked adventures. We would chase storms so she could get lightening photographs, get up at 3am so we could travel a couple hours to see the sun rise over a waterfall

Is it just always the would have been? “It would have been…” her 52 birthday…our 19th anniversary and so on with each birthday and anniversaries. I will now have a “would have been” life.

For my 50th birthday I was going to get just the word yes. It was just a couple weeks before my birthday that M was diagnosed the first time with cancer.

You are going to see that I will use Michaela's name throughout these stories no matter when it happened. Here is why: Michaela was a woman.

I want to thank everyone who made it to the celebration of Michaela’s life last weekend. Thank you to everyone that helped. I couldn’t have done it without you all

This beautiful photo was taken today. This butterfly was flying around the gaming tables and then went to the front of the house greet.

She said she was so glad that Michaela’s last few years of life included board games as they brought so many joyful times around the table with people she cared about. Truly it did.