Caring Bridge - April 2020
This week will go down as a bad one. Hard to find positives sometimes. Some positives are the fact: "hey I'm still breathing, can still walking, able to talk and do some things." Which I'll admit I take for granted. Even when I recognize that my own situation has been leaps and bounds from where it was. I've made a lot of progress since December and I am very thankful for that.
As I get better, there is a personal expectation (totally imposed by myself) that I should be able to do more. Then it hits ... stress. When stress hit me before - my body fueled up and then there was a surge of energy to push through it. Things changed this time ... I'm not bouncing back because I have medication that is waging a war inside. So when stress hits me - a giant anchor comes out and slams into the ground. When stress hits - the body shuts down ... which makes no sense to me but it really made me stop, listen, feel and realize exactly how stress manifests itself to affect us. Whatever coping mechanism I had when it comes to stress - just doesn't work.
When those bad days manifest - makes it even harder to stop the slide from getting worse or even stop. Momentum of good days vs. bad days .. can be tough to break or at least try to steer it gently without spiraling out of control. Trying to adapt to this new understanding of stress - has been a challenge. Trying to stay positive when I'm unable to get traction - is tough.
Then - there's this. The physical reality is kicking in. My hair has begun to come out in large clumps. It's a physical reminder about the battle going on internally and how it has worked itself externally. It also becomes a reality of: things are not the same. I'm telling myself: that's okay. I then turn my attention to what life was like in December and all the steps it took for me to get where I'm at today.
Bad days will happen. Bad days can manifest and they will. Maintaining a perspective that can endure the storm or the shifting earth beneath my feet - becomes the new challenge. Finding the balance, that path forward to make future gains without overwhelming that balance because: the body knows if it's stressed too much in one direction or the other. Trying to do that one more thing - your body knows. Trying to push yourself forward - beyond the next line ... your body knows.
Sometimes you just need to absorb. Allow the bad days to happen, let the body adjust and catch up. Know that the bad days won't define you - but know that the bad days can be harder to deal with. Accepting that can be a really tough thing as well.
