Gold Star

This is a glass water pitcher I have had since my first marriage as it was a wedding gift. I use it when I have people over for a party or meal. It is an object I use, but not that frequently especially since Michaela died.

I cleaned it today and although that might not seem like a radical or extraordinary feat - it was because of my grief and depression.  Let me explain why.

I have a spot on the counter where objects that I don’t know what to do with end up. Right now I have a big bowl that captures smaller things, but some objects that end up there sometimes are: water bottles that are too tall for inside most of my shelves, the sun tea jug, mason jars of various sizes, and this glass water pitcher sat there too. Not because I don’t have a place for it when not using, I do. It sat there because when I used it last I noticed it had some hard water stains that I needed to address. I did the thing I usually do with this kind of household issue - I put 2 dentures tablets in it and let it soak. But here is where the depression and grief took over.

I let it sit and sit and sit. The water evaporated over time. The  grit of the denture tablet coated the inside of it. I tried to clean it once with a soft bottle brush. The grit was too stubborn and I gave up. So it has sat there since waiting for me. I would look at it and think “today I will address this pitcher.” But I didn’t. It might seem like such a small thing.

With depression, I have only so much energy to do things so when I do some daily chores that means most likely I won’t have energy to do these other things that need to be done. So it sat there until today. I tackled 3 things on my list of neglected tasks and the pitcher was one. Today I scrubbed and scrubbed until it was sparkling clean again. It is now air drying and I will take one more look at it before putting back in the cupboard it belongs.

It took me 10 months. Yes, I said months, not weeks. That pitcher sat on my counter for 10 months. Other things that get neglected were higher priority so they got done so the pitcher kept being moved to the bottom of my list. Today I decided not to move it, but get it off the counter.

I hate that it sat there for so long. I beat myself up about all the things that should get done, but don’t accomplish. I feel like a broken human for not being able to accomplish all the things. It adds another layer of weight to my mental health. So I could down play or play negative tapes that tell me how horrible it was that it took me so long, but trying to look at it in a more positive way. The thing I am focusing on is it off the list. Period. Gold star for it getting done.