This past week Michaela and I would have been celebrating 21 years together. In therapy, I was reading all Michaela’s messages from Facebook and some she penned to me privately. 

In June, I switched to the last purse Michaela used. Her wallet was out because at the end that stayed in my purse for all our doctor appointments. However, there were still things in her bag

In 2019, Pride was AMAZING for my love and I standing next to her as it was the first time she was fully out as herself authentically. That was the last time we went to Pride.

I love Facebook memories and at the same time they hold so many tears almost always good, but still difficult at times. September 8 always brings up multiple memories.

Yesterday was the first of the month. I was up as it hit midnight and turned to the first of May. I whispered, “Happy Anniversary, baby.” See the first of EVERY month has meaning to me.

Every little thing reminds me of her this morning. Honestly every day is like this, but going to use this morning to explain it. Sunday mornings were usually chill days with M.

Recently I started listening to a podcast called Rewatcher. It is about the popular late 90’s tv series Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I loved that series and hadn’t watched it in years so with the podcast discussing it

I have a spot on the counter where objects that I don’t know what to do with end up. Right now I have a big bowl that captures smaller things, but some objects that end up there

It is so weird when things feel like now is the time. I have emotions with those things still, but up until this moment in time I hadn’t been able to face the emotions.

I cancelled our cell phone plan and signed up with another company in my name.

My grief and depression make it hard to function in the world so I have no doubt I would be at home even if the additional factors were at play. I stay at home about 95% of daily life.

I felt like I need to do an apology because I am having a hard time keeping in touch with people.

I am working on scrapbook photos. The 2 photos from below are 2 of about 10 that Michaela took. I am laughing so hard that I was crying so I just laid my head on the table 

In therapy yesterday, I was talking about how most days since my love died, I walk around in a fog. I have brain fog where I will be in the middle of something and zone out and come back washing dishes or sitting on the edge of the bed,

I don’t know what other people do when they can’t sleep, but I rotate the mattress (pillow top so rotate instead of flip and rotate).

Little things are sending me into a state of overwhelming sadness. I know she has only been gone 24 hours, but I am numb most of the time at the moment.