The Planet Hoth

Last nights meltdown came from installing a new router and modem. Michaela and I are big Star Wars fans. She had our WiFi network named Hoth as in the planet Hoth from The Empire Strikes Back. I didn’t know if we should put our new one to be Hoth, but I decided that at least it needed to be another planet from the Star Wars movies.

Anytime she could name something in our house via tech, it was always in the family of movies or tv shows we enjoyed such as Harry Potter or Firefly.

I am going to try to carry on that tradition. Now that the router has been changed, I need to now set up Alexa in my name and rename all our lights that Alexa controls. Again all our lights had names from Firefly. So we would say “Alexa turn on Jayne.” We are geeks.

Tech was Michaela’s jam. I have been avoiding changing the router, Alexa, and other things to my name/preferences because it always feels like she is fading away. One more thing of hers gone.

Reality is I think of her everyday. All day on and off constantly. I talk to her almost daily. I will make fish dinner and say out loud, “yeah, I know you are happy to not have to eat this for dinner.” Real little moments all day keep her here with me. Not in the way I ultimately want, but in the only way I have right now. So she isn’t fading…

But it does feel like the life I have created around her being gone has gotten a little wider. My worlds atmosphere around my grief has changed. It has become slightly bigger. Grief is still here. My love is still here. My memories are still here. Life is still moving on though without her.

Some days it feels like the planet Hoth - cold and barren full of dangerous things around the corner. Other times it feels like Han going out in the cold to find Luke. My relationships with friends and family have deepened as we know that each day is precious.

The planet Hoth