Warning this is a hard post that I feel needs trigger warning, but I am not sure which ones. Talking about end of life. Four years ago yesterday, Michaela and I sat in her oncologists office and were told that the main spot of cancer was shrinking.

My first Valentine’s with M, we were both sick with colds. Soup and grilled cheese was our special Valentine’s dinner. Although it might have been that grilled cheese that made her fall more in love with me

This past week Michaela and I would have been celebrating 21 years together. In therapy, I was reading all Michaela’s messages from Facebook and some she penned to me privately. 

21 years ago today Michaela picked me up at the airport in Denver. At the time, I am not sure I understood the impact of that moment.

I made a trip to the ER recently. I am fine. I strained the Achilles tendon falling down my front porch stairs. I am feeling fine now. The trip to the ER though was waves of grief hitting.

Last night I was asked why I liked Star Wars. I didn’t have a well thought out answer, but my main reason was because the person I shared Star Wars with and that was Michaela.

I think of her almost every moment of the day as there is always this piece that feels like I am missing. Like she should be here in that moment experiencing what I am

I want to put all our memories on repeat and I don’t want to forget them either so I feel like doing these things again even without her here, helps me keep them close. With grief there is so much fog.

In June, I switched to the last purse Michaela used. Her wallet was out because at the end that stayed in my purse for all our doctor appointments. However, there were still things in her bag

I love Facebook memories and at the same time they hold so many tears almost always good, but still difficult at times. September 8 always brings up multiple memories.

I would have been married for 3 years today. The reason this date is so important to me is I got to make M’s name my name. Having her name now that she is not here is deeply significant to me as I live here without her.

Yesterday was the first of the month. I was up as it hit midnight and turned to the first of May. I whispered, “Happy Anniversary, baby.” See the first of EVERY month has meaning to me.

Every little thing reminds me of her this morning. Honestly every day is like this, but going to use this morning to explain it. Sunday mornings were usually chill days with M.

Recently I started listening to a podcast called Rewatcher. It is about the popular late 90’s tv series Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I loved that series and hadn’t watched it in years so with the podcast discussing it

On the road I travel to get home, there is a field. Several times a year they harvest the field to make the big round hay bales. Every time I see them I think of Michaela.

Michaela had a double major in college. History and political science. I voted before I met her, but I only voted for major elections and on topics that were important to me personally.

It is so weird when things feel like now is the time. I have emotions with those things still, but up until this moment in time I hadn’t been able to face the emotions.

Michaela liked adventures. We would chase storms so she could get lightening photographs, get up at 3am so we could travel a couple hours to see the sun rise over a waterfall

I haven’t dusted the shrine table or anything on it since Christmas. I haven’t been able to touch it.

I am working on scrapbook photos. The 2 photos from below are 2 of about 10 that Michaela took. I am laughing so hard that I was crying so I just laid my head on the table