Shrine

I haven’t dusted the shrine table or anything on it since Christmas. I haven’t been able to touch it. I am not sure why. I know I have been processing quite a bit of anger - not towards Michaela, but more towards her final days and how we were informed of necessary steps. That has nothing to do with her actual shine, but it maybe felt wrong to touch it with that anger still so heavy. I still have anger, but it isn’t so intense at this time.

This past weekend I felt the need to dust it and change out some of the things on the trinket tray. Each item of course has meaning and reasons I want them there. I made sure each stone have good energy for my love’s spirit. I did a little ritual of holding each item to my heart and telling her my love is always with her and that I know her love is with me.

She is all over this house. The pillows on the couch, the board games that fill the shelves in the living room, the coffee mugs we have collected, photographs she took, photographs of us, art we picked out together, the basket next to the door with our keys, the magnets on the fridge, and so on. Everything is us. Our home. Represents us.

Since she died, things have changed though. I had someone move in with me and with that changes to the house started. So having this shrine to honor her is a must for me. It is the constant that isn’t changing. I would of course rather have her here with me, but since that isn’t possible, I need this visible representation of her that says this is my beloved Michaela. So today I finally dusted it after neglecting it. I am trying not to beat up on myself for not dusting it more often. Grief makes it so I just need to function - not beat up on myself for those things I am not able to right now. Thankful that I have this place that I see my beautiful butterfly every single day - many times a day.