Through you

It is such a difficult situation to watch your person be in such pain and trying or a better word - wanting to still fight the cancer. Twenty-four hours from her death she was telling me she didn’t want to die. She wasn’t ready. I had a fear that she would die with a war of wanting to live and being mad she was dying and also wanting to be free of pain.

When we arrived at Hospice, the chaplain and a family advocate came into see me. They asked me Michaela’s spiritual beliefs so that they could help her transition. I explained to them what she believed and also shared how agitated Michaela had been about coming to hospice and telling me she didn’t want to die. I explained to them I was worried she was going to die with anger and fear. I hated she was dying, but I also have such vivid pictures in my mind if the day she went to the hospital to the day she went to hospice. She was in such pain. I just wanted her free from the fear, anger, and pain.

Her body wasn’t working for her. It was shutting down. Her brain was muddled and for someone like her, who was such a word smith and conversationalist, I am sure she felt lost without a way to communicate or express herself fully.

I was scared that she was going to die without coming to a place of peace. I didn’t want her to die angry and scared. As soon as I told that to the chaplain and advocate, they went into action. The steps they took showed visible changes in her face and body. I believed she did die with acceptance and peace.

I have been dreaming of Michaela almost every night the last week. Some of what this quote below says is what she has been saying to me in the dreams. I spent the month of May in bed. I think my dreams are because she wants me to live. That she lives on in me, with me.

Living without her has been the most challenging time of my life. I would live all my bad days over and over to have her back though. That of course isn’t realistic so I say out loud to her that I am trying my hardest to honor her by living life.