Spice Cabinet and Hospital Bill

You might wonder what those two things have in common. They are the things that cause 2 meltdowns. 

I haven’t done a deep cleaning of my house in almost 2 years. I have been tackling areas now. It has felt good to clean some areas and make them look all sparkly. Today I decided to tackle the spice cabinet. It might seem odd, but I lost it and cried over a seasoning. Specifically Penzys Northwood seasoning. Michaela and I loved it. We used it on everything from breakfast potatoes, to grilled chicken, or even a sprinkle on steamed veggies. It has a really good combo of flavors in it. 

I picked up the jar and there isn’t much left. I cried. I cried standing in front of my spice cabinet. I cried clutching the jar to my heart as though it was Michaela. That is what is so odd about grief - the love you feel for the person comes through in the things you expect such as their favorite song, book and sentimental items, but also the the unexpected - such as a jar of seasoning. A jar of seasoning left me spiraling down into tears and wondering what I should do with the bottle. I mean obvious reason is use the rest. 

What goes on in my head as I clutch the bottle in my hand as tears stream down my face - when was the last time I used this with her? Beating myself up for not remembering. Wondering if I will be able to eat something seasoned with it and make through without tears. Just the image in my head of picking the bottle up to sprinkle on something I am cooking makes my heart hurt. 

I have learned in grieving when something overwhelms my thoughts and emotions like that, put it away. I wiped the bottle down, and stuck it on the lazy susan with the other bottles. One day I might see it and think oh that sounds good and have no tears, but I know that day isn’t today. I also recognize I might not be able to use it without tears, but I might be able to cope with the emotions better than I can today.

The other meltdown came when I picked up the mail today. I saw the envelope with the hospitals name and addressed to Michaela so knew it had to be a bill. She died over a year ago, and I am just getting a hospital bill for her last 2 stays in the hospital. I am sure it was because they were waiting to get paid from insurance before sending me a bill, which is nice because if I would have saw the almost $90,000 bill owed - I might not be here either. But it coming this long after she died was like a gut punch. So I cried. 

Every day things seem like I am starting to function around the grief. Build a different life around the grief. Then little things like this come and it feels like I fall flat on my ass. I know that grief is like this because love is present even after she died.  Grief causes love to be an active emotion every moment because the world is so different without her.