Pajamas

Basket of Pajamas

These days I stay at home almost 24/7. Since Michaela died, I am not working really as I helped with her business. I don’t travel or go anywhere really. Add in a global pandemic. My grief and depression make it hard to function in the world so I have no doubt I would be at home even if the additional factors weren’t at play.

I always enjoyed lounging at home in pajamas, however since she has been gone, I have lived in them. I ended up ordering more pajamas in the last year and half. The basket in the photo is FULL of pajamas and that isn’t all of them. When I say I live in them, I really do live in them. I might take a shower daily and then I put on a clean pair of pajamas. I wear them for a full 24 hours. Sometimes it goes a little longer than 24 hours.

When I look at that basket of pajamas, I see grief and depression. Although they are cute, fun, pretty, and comfy doesn’t mean they still aren’t related to Michaela’s death so I feel sorrow looking at that basket. It says this is life now. This is life without her.

Is this a forever thing? Probably not. Some may say that going into year 2 might mean getting out of the pajamas and living in the world. I am living in the world more, but even if I wasn’t this is my grief and no one can tell me how it feels or should go. Tonight I will fold those pajamas and place them in the 2 drawers they occupy. I will pull out some tomorrow after my shower and then one day I might pull out jeans and t-shirt instead. For now I am thankful for the comfort my pajamas.