Grand Mesa Drive
I want to put all our memories on repeat and I don’t want to forget them either so I feel like doing these things again even without her here, helps me keep them close. With grief there is so much fog. I feel some days my memories with Michaela are gone or faded. Then I go and do something and it all floods back. That can be bittersweet. There is such pain in knowing they aren’t here to enjoy the memories with you and even more create new memories.
This week it is my birthday and Michaela always made my birthday extra special. It wouldn’t be just a day of celebrating. It would be a week of it. The whole birthday week would have big and little special treats and outings. We loved doing day trips and live in Colorado so we can so many options for taking a drive or doing a day trip. So this week, I have planned little outings and treats for myself as I know she would want me to do this to honor making it another evolution around the Sun. I planned a little drive over the Grand Mesa. I was needing the connection to Michaela and this drive was a common thing for us year around. I have been up and over it through every season.
The Grand Mesa is covered in Aspen so when they change in the fall it is the most amazing flood of golden yellow. I knew I was too late and that most of the color would be gone, but just going to reconnect with memories and her through being present in my beautiful state was a good idea for my birthday week.
Memories flooded me and I am so grateful to have them.
I went the Grand Mesa Visitor center and now I want to dig out the photos from all the visits. One time we came up during July and the snow was still hip high from a heavy late spring snow and the sun wasn’t hitting it. Another time, we went up in the spring and ever the girlie girl - I was wearing a short jean skirt and the lodge had snow covering it. I mean covering it. You could barely see the roof of the lodge peeking through the snow. There was a “tunnel” carved out so people could get to the toilet. So here me in my short jean skirt and most likely sandals making my way through the tunnel to go use the restroom. It is so me and I can hear Michaela’s chuckle watching me navigate it without falling on my ass. Yesterday a family was having a snowball fight from the little bit of snow that has already fallen up there. I remember Michaela and I once had a summer snowball fight because of the snow still around. I remember our laughter and our pure joy in the moment.
After going to the Grand Mesa lodge, I went to Land’s End Observatory. Again full of memories some include times we brought family and friends there. It is like you are on top of the world. You can see FOREVER. Endless layers before getting to the horizon. I decided to be adventurous which was Michaela’s spirit and decided to take the Land’s End Road down and home. Land’s End Road is a single lane curvy dirt road. I have only taken it as a passenger and I decided I could do it. I trust my car and know how it feels when I drive it so just felt I could do it. I am sure it was seeing Michaela drive it many many times over the years gave me the confidence to do it too. I did it! The first 30 seconds were scary because looking down from 9,950 elevation at the top of a narrow road - yes completely scary. Again this is a single lane road so not like I could back up and turn around. I felt Michaela cheering me on and then I was just awe struck by the beauty. The most incredible view all the way down.
Memories came with much of the trip down. There are places along that road that if I had hit it a couple weeks earlier, I would have had a canopy of golden yellow aspen leaves. I remember the first time Michaela and I made that trek as that is how we found out I am allergic to aspen leaves during the fall when they turn. They don’t seem to bother me the rest of the year. By the time we got home my eyes were swollen shut and I had been through every tissue in the car blowing my nose. Thankfully allergy meds help me witness the golden leaves of the aspen trees now. I remember the view though and taking pictures. I know we have photos on some hard drive somewhere full all our trips down this narrow dirt road.
There were some trees still hanging on to their leaves and I heard their distinctive rustling. Aspens truly do have a sound all to their own - I think the term for it is quaking. I remember after Michaela got her hearing aids and her hearing the crisp and clear sound really for the first time. Her eyes closed just listening and a smile crossing her face. She could hear it a little bit before the hearing air, but after oh the joy on her face listening to their sound - I won’t ever forget those moments of her experience something she had for years and years in a new way because of hearing it clearly for the first time.
I am so thankful no one was behind or in front of me on this road as I had little moments where I stopped to take photos and also just sit and savor the sight and sound and remember my love sharing this with me over the years. I feel so blessed to shared 17 years with her and never going to not wish for more.
