Emergency Contact Person
I made a trip to the ER recently. I am fine. I strained the Achilles tendon falling down my front porch stairs. I am feeling fine now. The trip to the ER though was waves of grief hitting. I went in knowing I would have some emotions coming up as I decided to go to the ER that Michaela was in during her last hospital stay before moving to hospice.
There are 2 main hospitals here and the one is out on the edge of town and one is kind of at the center. That hospital in the center is closer to where I live, but it is ALWAYS so so busy. The one on the edge of town is where Michaela’s oncology doctors worked out of so we went to it lots. I knew it would be less busy so I decided to go there, but I haven’t been to that hospital for 3 years. It brought up tears just going there, but I also had a difficult moment. When I went to check in, they asked me if my emergency contact person was still Michaela as my contact person. That hit me like a gut punch. I know I said more quietly “we need to change that.” Luckily my contact person was with me so she could give them her info so I could sit there catatonic for a moment.
They wheeled me back and as we were heading back it looked like they might be bringing me to the last ER room Michaela was in and I was doing a silent whisper, “please not that one, please not that one.” Thankfully they wheeled me to a different room. As they wheeled me though I could picture that doctor we had at that last ER visit. I just felt sadness which is good as I have so much anger towards the doctors at the end of life. They were all amazing as she had her cancer treatments, but doctors need MORE training in handling end of life. None of them communicated well or clearly.
I had 2 of my closest people with me in the ER so that helped me not break down. I was able to talk about Michaela and share without having a huge break down. I had emotions come up and some tears, but not sobs. The next day I had a big meltdown over removing her as my emergency contact person. I know I have removed her from other forms, but for some reason having to do it at that hospital felt like a big door closing behind me. It might be one of the last places I had to take her off of and it felt so final.
My love and memories of her keep her with me everyday, but wish she was here today and everyday. Every time I have these moments that feel so final, she is further away. I have had moments like that often the last 3 years, I still love her, know I will always, and have all our memories, but it feels changed at the same time. I miss her and talk to her every day, but as time goes on she doesn’t seem as near as she did. Each day feels she is gone further and further away. Our life as each others emergency contact person further and further away.
