Traditions
Holidays can be hard in general for most people. Holidays for those grieving adds just additional layers to make things difficult. The first Christmas after Michaela died, I did a big tree to honor her. It had all sorts of butterflies because she loved them, but also because butterflies are often associated with those that have died. I did ribbon garland in pink and blue with white lights so that I represented her being transgender. I didn’t do any holiday traditions. I was lucky I got the tree done.
Wendy and her partner spent Christmas Eve with me watching a hip hop version of the nutcracker and enjoying Chinese food. Christmas Day I made a roast which wasn’t part of Michaela and my tradition, but I felt like I couldn’t do those things as just being out of bed and doing something for Christmas was such a chore so adding in all the memories and grieving the loss of making more - I just couldn’t handle.
The second Christmas I felt even less invested in Christmas. Wendy put up a little tree and I watched as she decorated. I could have helped, but I felt so upset Michaela wasn’t here that everything felt overwhelming. I did though make Christmas treats that second year. Just a few.
The third year I asked to be alone. I just wanted to sit and cry and grieve the loss of all us and creating more memories. There was still a tree in the house that Wendy decorated again and I made a few Christmas goodies, but for the actual day - Christmas Day - I was alone. I watched movies, ate leftovers that I ordered as take out the day before, and I grieved. I cried, I journaled, I slept, and I talked out loud to her all day long. It was needed and I am glad I did it.
This year I am still feeling like there is no joy for me in Christmas, but at the same time I did feel deep desires to bring some traditions Michaela and I had out again. One tradition is going to our favorite game store the Sunday before Christmas and celebrate with a handful of good friends. I brought that back this year. It was fun and I am so glad that the people invited came. I think everyone liked that we could honor this tradition together in Michaela’s memory.
