3 Years

Michaela and I were together for 17 years and that date is our actual anniversary, but today is another anniversary. I would have been married for 3 years today. The reason this date is so important to me is I got to make M’s name my name. Having her name now that she is not here is deeply significant to me as I live here without her. It has been a rough week and the week will end with her dying 3 years ago. I am grieving hard as each year of grief brings up unexpected awareness of moments big and small. Its impact knocks me down and then I move through processing it all. No one can prepare you for grief. I am grateful for all the people that surround me and allow me to be fully present even as I grieve. I know I am moving around in the world more, but the hole in me where she was is deep and laid bare today just as much as it was the day she died. So as I look at the dress that she would have used to get married in if she had not been sick, I allow myself to miss her, grieve her, and be happy I have her last name.