I made her a simplistic little book. It had lyrics and little pieces of collage to match the mix-cd.

Every morning, I look at FB memories to see if we tagged each other in a post. It makes me cry most days, but I am hanging on to our memories.

I can’t sleep most nights. I have more bad nights than good. I really can’t say I have had a good night since she has been gone. There is such an emptiness fills our home and in myself.

Took the butterfly Christmas tree down. Tears came of course.

When I first moved in with M, the last couple of episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer were airing.

Everyday there are little moments which bring tears and heartache up. They are unexpected moments.

A new year that she will never be a part of is an unbearable reality.

It was one year ago today that Michaela had her first appointment with Dr. G.

You know those puzzles apps where when you have the right piece it snaps in place automatically and when you don’t it won’t fit. That is how it was for Michaela.

I always feel like I am straddling both sides.

I currently go through our house to purge, reorganize, and pack up things I can’t figure out right now. I have found all sorts of things that bring up emotions and memories. Today’s find was one that reminded me that although the last year was full of the cancer fog, it really started 2017.

I cheered, I cried, I laughed, and my heart was full of joy after reading it.

Every little thing reminds me of you and every little thing makes me feel so alone without you.

Tonight I am sitting in the simple house we shared for 17 years and snow is falling. My love and I had a thing she teased me about many many times. 

I lay in bed and sobbing and screaming because I have a bleeding hole inside me that won’t ever ever heal.

I took gifts to the oncology center today. It was a good thing, but it was whirl wind of emotions and conversations. I was able to hand deliver almost all 20 bags.

Today’s crying moment…voting ballots. Michaela was a big political junkie. She helped empower me to figure out what was best for the world and myself. She was one of the smartest people I knew so had great insight.

Today’s was deciding to put the ironing board into the donate pile. The only time I really have ever used it was for clothes when M had testify in court.

I don’t have voicemails from Michaela. It made me tear up, but then something in the back of my mind made me think I might have voice memos we exchanged on our iPhones.